Ballbuster
by 1991Kira
Summary: Garrus Vakarian doesn't like it when people pull a gun on his girlfriend. Especially when they're her ex-lovers. ME3, One-shot. NOT for Shenko fans.


"Shepard. Look at us. This can't end well. Just….put it down."

_You've gotta be kidding me!_

To say that Garrus Vakarian was pissed would be the understatement of the century.

Bad enough that the fool of a human standing before them had the audacity to insult Shepard by accusing her of working with Cerberus _twice_ over, but pointing a gun at her and siding with that slime ball _Udina_ of all people!?

_Thin ice, Alenko. Thin ice._

He would have shot the bastard the moment he dared to point a gun at Shepard, _his _Shepard of all people. Unfortunately, Shepard being who she was, would not allow him to kill people simply because they were a few legs short of a thresher maw.

A shame really, Garrus mused. They'd be doing the galaxy a favor of sorts by reducing the number of thick-skulled cretins for future generations.

_Hmmm. . . future generations. Now there's an idea. . .  
_

He doubted Shepard would approve though.

"Councilor," Alenko barked. "Get the door."

_Damn. _No time to worry about Shepard's permission. Garrus quickly loaded a concussive round into his rifle.

_Spirits, I hope this works. . .  
_

With Alenko's attention fully focused on Shepard, he lowered his rifle a few inches and fired.

* * *

Kaidan Alenko was no stranger to pain.

He'd survived Jump Zero, he'd survived Vyrnnus' sadistic training, he'd survived getting his head bashed in by a Cerberus android back on Mars. . . heck, he had to deal with crippling migraines practically on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately, none of that had done anything to prepare him for the sheer agony of Garrus' dastardly attack on his person.

Or to be more precise, the dastardly attack on his family jewels.

The scream of pain that tore from his throat was several octaves higher than usual. Kaidan felt his grip on the pistol slacken as he dropped to the ground, his eyes watering with pain, his hands moving to cradle his groin protectively, for whatever good that would do.

His last coherent thought as his world was consumed by pain was that Shepard had never forgiven him for Horizon after all. . .

* * *

Commander Shepard blinked in surprise.

One moment, she was standing facing off against her ex-lover/friend/pain-in-the-ass Alenko, wondering if there was any way to end this cluster-fuck of a day without any more bloodshed.

Next thing she knew, her idiot of a friend crumpled to the ground in agony, clutching his groin, his incredibly girlish scream reverberating throughout the Citadel.

She winced in sympathy as she saw Alenko writhe on the ground. Even though she had never experienced anything similar (for obvious reasons), she could still sympathize with the poor bastard. Hell, she was pretty sure even a Reaper would sympathize with someone getting shot in the gonads!

It was no surprise therefore that everyone in the vicinity, even the traitorous Udina, had forgotten all about their current predicament as they watched the newly-appointed Spectre writhe in agony.

Still, she was Commander Shepard, after all. She recovered faster than everyone else and scanned her surroundings carefully, her eyes falling on the smoking barrel of the offender standing a couple of meters away.

"Garrus!" she barked, trying her best to convey her outrage and disappointment in a single word.

All eyes previously on the injured Spectre turned to stare at the sheepish-looking turian standing beside Shepard.

"What?" said Garrus, scratching his mandible, the very picture of innocence.

Quickly putting a bullet in Udina's head before he could recover, Shepard strode over to her turian lover and poked him in the chest.

"What the hell was that!?"

"What? I thought you'd be happy I didn't kill him," Garrus said a little defensively.

"Oh, I'm absolutely _glad _you didn't kill him, Vakarian! Now, I can spend the rest of my life listening to him bitch about how _I'm _the reason he can't have kids anymore."

"Relax, Shepard. I won't let him blame you; and frankly, I don't see why Alenko being unable to breed is a big deal."

"Hell, the way I see it, I just did the whole galaxy a huge damn favour. I should be getting a medal for this." He glared pointedly at the remaining two councilors.

The turian councilor was the first to react. He cleared his throat, "Yes…um, well. We shall see to it that Mr Vakarian gets a medal for his bravery, once things settle down."

"Hang on. You're giving him a medal for shooting your newest Spectre in the cojones?" said a shocked Vega.

"Of course not. We're giving Mr Vakarian a medal for um. . . 'Going above and beyond the call of duty'."

"By shooting a guy in the nuts?"

"Well, he did do the galaxy at large a favor," the older turian shrugged. "That kind of stupidity must _not_ be allowed to breed."

"I agree," the asari councilor interjected smoothly. "Even a fool would know better than to support someone like Udina over Commander Shepard."

"See", Garrus said smugly. "_They_ understand."

Shepard simply pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"Garrus. . .did your choice of. . . target have anything to do with me and Alenko. . .?"

"Of course not," Garrus scoffed. "I didn't even think of that when I took the shot. Honest."

_If I had, I'd have used an incendiary round. . .  
_

"Good," said a relieved Shepard. "I was worried that you were. . . um, disturbed by Alenko's presence. I know you don't like him. Hell, neither do I, not anymore. It's just, since we're both Alliance. . ."

"Relax, Shepard," Garrus said soothingly. "I know there's nothing between you two anymore; and I respect you way too much to go around telling you who to hang around with. If you want him in your life, even as a mere acquaintance or a colleague, I'm not going to argue."

"Besides," he leaned forward suggestively. "Alenko's got nothing on _me_ in the bedroom. Hell, I don't think anyone does."

Shepard shivered in anticipation. "Don't get ahead of yourself, Vakarian. We're going to have to test your _reach_ once again before you start making statements like that."

"You're so _mean_. I like _that_."

It was Vega who finally spoke up.

"Umm. . . I hate to break this up amigos, but shouldn't _someone_ be getting the Major to the hospital?" He gestured to the still form of Alenko lying near his feet.

For the first time in his life, James Vega was completely and utterly ignored.

* * *

**AN: Just a little something I came up with. Purely for fun :)  
**


End file.
